Starting Over

I can’t stop playing this song, it’s been a month and a half and this song plays over and over in my head.


Verse one:
It’s been a long time now right about five years
nothing but tears running down my face wishing you were here
Cause life ain’t the same no more that your gone
I miss those days you were here now were all alone
I don’t know who to blame so all I ask is why
Why did you have to die it wasn’t your time
You were still in your prime, you had many days
I miss the way you made me happy in so many ways
Nothing can change what happened but I wish I could
Take a trip back in time and make it all good
I love you so much and I miss you dearly
I wish you were near me everyday wish I can hear you say
Everything’s gonna be all right just have faith in God
And one day well meet again even though it’s hard
All I want is for you just to see

That I’ll always hold close to my heart ...Precious Memories

Chorus:
Since the day you went away I haven’t been the same
I think I’m going insane calling out your name
Living life ain’t the same since you’ve been gone
And even though your not here your memory lives on
(2x)

Verse two:
I still remember the day you passed away and left me here on this Earth
How I felt at the church, the hurt when I saw the hearse
Carry your casket to the graveyard, seen your body for the last time
All of these memories flooded my mind
The conversations we had, the times we shared,
The good and bad, happy and sad, you were there
You meant the world to me nobody can replace ya
You’re written on my heart no one can erase ya
I’d give all I own just to have another day
To spend some time with you, make another memory
If I had a clue your days on Earth were about to end
I’d a told you I loved you and hugged you more often
But for now, all I can do is reminece about you
but one things true
I’m a see you again in heaven until then
I’ll be missing you like 24/7

Well I guess it’s been a bit, definitely allot has changed since the last post. I don’t even know how to express my life in the past year or where to begin. Things have been a mess and I’m just living day by day, not letting any one into my little world. I guess nor do I really want any one in there, at least not yet.. Every one that has tried to get close to me I'd just push away and deny there help telling I’m fine. I’m trying to live on and start fresh but I have these weights that are dragging me down. I guess it’s been since before Christmas since if last bogged I guess I never really felt the desire too. I never really know who is reading my posts or who even really cares what I have to say, pulse I figured after a while verbal dialog and interaction with actual people and not just tags and comments would be much more therapeutic and meaningful.

The death of my mother has been a really tremendous blow to me though I don’t show it much its eating me up inside. Taking care of her was all I knew the last five years all I new was to survive and care fore her, I know that some say its a burden off my shoulders and hers and that its probably for the best that she is in a better place, but she was never a burden to me and if I had to, id do it to my death.. Yes it’s true that at time her and I where totally butting heads when she was feeling up to the challenge but it never drove a stake between us.

I guess she really started to get sick around mid January early February, she would always have chronic nose bleeds that would keep us up will 4 in the morning with towels soaked in blood. It became more and more frequent that I would have to get up in the night to take care of her, emptying puke buckets of blood and vomit.

Around early march she had totally quit her volunteer job at the mission food center and bread center because the illness had driven her weak, she had become very slim and frail. Her apatite was diminishing and her memory was fading. By the beginning of March she was couch bound barley able to muster the strength to make it to the bathroom. She would make it half way and have to take rest ether by sitting on the kitchen floor or by leaning heavily against the counter; she always needed my help to get back up and to any where she needed to go. By mid march she was at her last straw, so had I. I was watching her fade away by now her memory was almost at a total depletion, her skin like elastics, like as if there was no muscle beneath it. Her hair had become matted and totally entangled from not bathing in a couple weeks. The whites of her eyes where yellow and brown tint, the bags beneath her eyes where sunken so low. When she tried to talk to me she made no sense at all just mimicked everything she seen on television. I couldn’t have a conversation with her and didn’t since end of March. I was at the point where I had to drag her around on a bathroom floor mat just to get her to the bathroom.

At the end of March I couldn’t do it any more I just couldn’t watch her suffer. Desiree had just come home from some trip and every one was out doing things they needed to do, so I dropped my sister off at a friends and they took her out mini golfing. I had walked up to my work place to catch some air and relax just after I got mom to sleep, I met up with my pastor Greg and I told him that I needed to administer mom into the hospital so he helped me take her in and sat with me for a good few hours while I collected my thoughts. Mom had spent a good week in a room with a few other patients; she was still confused and deteriorating rapidly. Her skin on her lips was breaking off and bleeding and her apatite was gone for good by that point. Every time we visited her we had to suet up in ridicules looking outfits because she was in isolation, it never bothered us really we where just glad to spend as much time with her as we could. After a while of visiting her it slowly donned on me that I don’t think that there is any thing that they could really do to help her but just make her conferrable. by this point we could finally get a hold of dad and he came to mission, after almost 2 weeks of taking care of all the home, financial and livening arraignments I was glad he stepped in. when he stepped in there was a meeting called to determine the outcome of the situation and to discuss moms condition. We where told that mom would be transported to palliative care witch is on the third floor witch is considered the final stop, the place where they make the patients and there family comfortable.

Mom was in her own room with many home accommodations, it was even nicer in her room then her own room in some ways. She was made very comfortable as promised and had many visitors constantly. The doctor had told us it wouldn’t be long till she passes and that it would be best if we said out good byes, we where given as long as we needed and we all shed our tears. And spend the next few days as much as possible with her. when Easter came around I came to see her as soon as I could I stayed by her side all day and was buy her all night when she was awake I talked to her and sang to her and when she was sleeping I watched her breath just to make sure she had one more breath after the last. Mom passed 7:45 AM April 14 2007 I was at work when my dad came too see me and whispered in my ear, I quickly found some one to cover and went we went home to wake up every one else. We arrived at the hospital and sat with her for a moment and cried. Her funeral was a bit later it was suttle and short, but meaning full. I gave a speech and told a poem I wrote for her.


For five years mom had told me that she was ill from cancer and after that meeting I found out that that’s not true. All moms’ life she had been a drinker, I guess for the longest time I played a blind eye to it and thought it to be normal or casual occurrence. I never new to what extent it was damaging her she always told me it helps with the cancer. Five years she could have prevented the outcome it had lead too, but she chose another rout. Mom had died of liver frailer due to drinking excessively. It’s opened up my eyes significantly and I think twice before drinking heavily.

my favorit song right now:

http://www.hotget.com/videocode/T-Bone-Can_I_Live--12191.html

Things have gotten really bad. I’ve been trying to pretend I’m fine and its hurting me, no one really knows what’s going on in my life any more. You see my friend Antonio has become very sick he’s one of my best friends. He’s the guy I go 4 motor bike rides with and to the movies allot. he’s the type of guy I could tell any thing too and just be my self, wed make fun of each other so bad and even make big seans in the middle of stores just for fun. about 3 weeks ago I was visiting him on a Saturday like we usually do every Saturday and we had went to the movies, and when he was dropping me off at home he was sort of silent and gave me a odd look and told me that he would be away for 3 months and that was our last visit 4 a while. It really bummed me out but he told me he would call every week to see how things are going and to say hi. well the first week went by and things where going good I missed him a bit but I was just glad he was off doing his own thing, the same with the second week I was just glad to talk to him. Yesterday I got a call from him; it was 3 hours late witch I thought was odd because he is usually on time from when he calls. I knew something was up with him at this point, so he began to tell me that he was flown to Ontario to be placed in the hospital. and that he’s really sick, a while ago he was diagnosed with diabetes but now its gotten so bad that he cant eat any thing because the slightest morsel of food could sent his blood sugars drastically high or down so he needs to be fed through intervenes just to stay alive. But the problem with this is that he has become use to not eating and he has developed anorexia and depression so now between the hospital and psychiatrics ward he has getting worse. The last time I talked to him yesterday he was talking as if he wasn’t going to make it back home witch has been terrifying me. I really don’t want to lose one of my best friends.

A riddle has been thrown at me and I just cant figure it out :S lol

There’s only 3 words in the English language that ends in gry 1 is angry the second is hungry now what’s the third?

The only rules are u cant use the internet to figure it out, you can ask your friends, but they cant use the internet either. lol have fun.

The last few months have been pretty interesting I’ve been scrounging for jobs but always been able to some how stay employed. I’ve been working all summer at tom hoods new house he was building. I’ve learned so much and got a sweet envious tan lol j/k. I guess it’s been my first steady job and I went a bit frivolous with my money but I had a good time. For the first time I never had to worry about having money in my pocket. Now that school has started up I’ve been slugging along complaining but an just glad I’m out soon lol. When I’m out I just can’t wait to start trade school and start my direction of my carpentry career, its going to be awesome and I have so many connections to allot of people. I’m glad my talent is recognized when I put my mind so passionately to what I do. Any thing to do with wood and I’m so there, concrete is fun too lol. Any one need any thing built? hehehe

Even though I where a hat now I desperately need a hair cut. My hair is getting so long hahaha just thought id let every one no

Now a question for you... If you were to die today, would you go to heaven? Why?

If your answer was "because Jesus died for me", you can pretty much close this out.. pZ!

Now for those that didn't have that answer... peep these three verses...

Ephesians 2:8-9...
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast. "

Only way to be saved from Hell, is by grace which can be obtained through faith. Grace is a free gift, from Who? The verse says God, not from works. Meaning there is no amount of "good" stuff you can do in your lifetime that will make you worthy of heaven. Only way to get to heaven is through faith, but faith in Who? Next verse explains that one...

John 3:16...
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Who does is sound like the verse is describing here? None other then Jesus Christ. So we need to put our faith in Jesus Christ to be saved from Hell. The verse says that we need to believe in Him, but what about Him do we need to believe? Next verse...

Romans 10:9...
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. "

Two simple requirements for salvation. Thats all you have to do. Pray to God that you are a sinner and need Jesus to save you and come into your heart, and believe that God raised Jesus from the dead.


Yours, Cross Movement.

Haha I like to think I can write music, I’m pretty bad at it and every song I writ sounds the same in its own ways. I’v sent my best one out for criticism and gotten some good feed back so i guess it cant be all that bad. Here it is: